Instrument-shaped Objects: Knock-off Band Instruments

Image via Wikipedia

Throughout middle school, I’m a band student. I have played a Selmer clarinet in 6th and 7th grades and a Yamaha in 8th grade, never the brands I have seen once in Walmart back in 5th or 6th grade. I was once tempted to buy that clarinet in the display at the front of the store, but thinking it was expensive, I denied myself from buying it. Of course – I was right; those clarinets, as well as those trumpets, flutes and saxophones I have seen in Walmart are not just too darn expensive for me. Many band directors, musicologists (especially organologists, who study musical instruments), and other musical educators call it “instrument-shaped objects,” mainly because they look like the high-quality ones yet they are actually poorly-made.

So what defines an instrument-shaped object? Firstly, they are brands that are not too familiar to those who know a great deal on musical instruments, and they use names that are not models from leading instrument makers such as Yamaha, Conn-Selmer, and Dynasty. Here, I don’t mention the “off-brands” in fears of getting sued like one Texas music store. Secondly, the most commonly used band instruments are often victimized in the retail of instrument-shaped objects. For the most part, those instruments are the soprano trumpet in B-flat, the Western concert transverse flute in C, the alto saxophone in E-flat, and the soprano clarinet in B-flat, and they often mass produce low-brow versions of them because they usually carry the melody and are more commonplace than, say, the horn in F.

Third, some companies have the penchant to create colored versions of those instruments. As I browse through eBay and what every shopping site sells them, I saw green clarinets, yellow (not gold, but that yellow one sees on a crayon) flutes, and blue trumpets. As a former band student, the lacquered versions are distracting to the band director and the band as they play poorly and are out of accepted visual standards that make it look professional. On top of all that, they are usually made of low-quality materials, usually from the hands of Pakistani, Indian, or Chinese sweatshop employees. If it’s a trumpet, flute, or alto saxophone, for example, it’s made of a pot metal that is better for toy jewelry than something actually made of brass. Also, the accessories are likely low quality, and I picture those Asian sweatshop workers who manufacture bog-standard accessories for bog-standard single reed instruments making reeds out of bamboo instead of French Arnudo donax cane. Poor naming, vicimization of common band instruments, unprofessional finishes, and cruddy materials make up instrument-shaped objects.