Posted in: Music Making by Arthur Chappell on August 4th, 2011 | 0 Comments
Alternatives to Guitar Hero game culture. For anyone who hates Guitar Hero as much as I do.
The Wii had enough Already Apathy Emporium proudly present
ORCHESTRA TRIANGLE PLAYER HERO
Fed up of seeing all those ads for Guitar Hero, trying to convince people they can play like Jimi Hendrix? What you want is a nice quiet sedate musical instrument role that won’t make your fingers or your ears bleed. Yes, you can play the virtual triangle in your own virtual classical music orchestra.
You must learn to stand still, waiting through three movements of a two hour Johan Sebastian Bach Brandenburg Concerto, ready for your cue to go ting on your triangle just the once at the exact appropriate moment, the instant that really encapsulates the score – the moment Bach was composing for all along – your moment to shine. It’s what you always wanted to do. If you miss your cue you have to start again. The computer is programmed to play only the full score – no fast forward or rewind – you have to experience the entire composition.
OPERA SINGER HERO – Soprano edition – Gone are the banshee shrieks of wanna-be karaoke performers belting out Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On and on and on…. theme from Titanic in a tone that makes you wish she’d gone down with the ship too. Here is your chance to sing as Brunhilde in your very own Wagner’s four opera ring cycle. Mild electric shocks will come through the Wii system if you go falsetto or off key. This will give you an incentive to sing better. We provide a free glass for you to shatter on the high crescendo note finale. When the glass breaks, you are done.
MIME ARTIST HERO – Yes, you can be Marcel Marceau. While others annoy their neighbours ramming out loud and lame Brian May or Eric Clapton impersonations badly, you create zero noise pollution by pretending to lift invisible balloons and peel non-existent bananas. Face paint and beret optional
WRITER HERO – And now you can pretend to be writing. We give you a pretend keyboard, and let you scrawl a real script, which will go on our pretend internet page, where you will see points awarded or detracted, find comments written by our virtual fans, who will award you points and tell you that you’re great. It’s just like the real thing. You won’t know the difference.
COWARD HERO – Enabling you to tremble in your boots under fire, experience simulated shell shock, and run away waving a white flag (not included), deserting your comrades in the face of battle. Yellow paint provided for painting a line down your back. A change of underwear also provided. You can run away from a dozen battles from Gettysburg to Desert Storm. Just pick the one you’d least want to die in, and start crying like a baby.
HERO HERO – Guaranteed to annoy you, this is designed to break into bits when you lose patience and smash it up with a mallet, ready to put it all in the bin before going out to buy a real guitar, and learn to play properly, before joining a proper rock band.
I really hate the Wii player guitar and rock band hero nonsense – they do rap star versions now so my own suggested variations here might actually become a reality. I could add an Arthur Chappell Hero game but the only way to play it would be to either not be bothered opening the box or just leaving it in the shop.
Arthur Chappell
