Adam Lambert/Chris Daughtry: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Music

     I originally wanted to write this article about the ear-molesting crap-puddle that is “What do you Want From Me?” performed by Adam Lambert. I had this clever ending all worked up and everything: “What do I want from you Adam Lambert? Please stop singing, for fuck’s sake.” The problem was, that at first I was CONVINCED that it was Chris Daughtry who was doing the singing.  It’s sung in a key not out of Chris’s range, and the lyrics are so prototypical suck that I couldn’t understand why Google wouldn’t answer me. Hell, I even called up Jeeves (who’s enjoying retirement by the way) to ask him what was goin’ on. Even he was like “Shit, I thought it was Daughtry too! My bad dawg.” 

     So, after some Duck Duck Go! searching, (which is a great engine by the by) I found out who was really the monster behind all this, and decided to take a different approach to this article all together. I thought I’d title the piece “Adam Lambert: I liked it better the first time, when it was called Daughtry”. But I wasn’t sure Chris showed up first.

       If these two styles are so similar that I can no longer tell the difference, I’m guessing at least SOME other people are having the same problem I am.  Thus, for the record, here are the main differences between these two Leviathan turd-burgers of the “music” industry trash heap, via their two recent hits “What Do you Want From Me” and “Life After You”.

   In  ”WDYWFM”,  as well as “LAY” we find the same topic being discussed; women the author is having trouble with. In Lambert’s song, the incoherence and repetition is so….SO bad, that I really had to look at a transcript to see what the actual plot was. If I got the correct lyric sheet, there are 21 instances of the phrase “what do you want from me” in the song. TWENTY ONE. That’s 80% of the song. What could be worse than that? Oh WAIT! The melody line! I wish I had been in the room when they came up with that.

     “Hey Adam, I’ve got this SWEET riff to run by you. Don’t worry it’s only six notes played over and over again with a pedestrian chorus section.”  

     …And to his credit? Adam shot back, “Aw heck yes, I’ve got EXACTLY six words in my vocabulary! This should be a hit!” 

     Daughtry, on the other hand was busy shaving that Tardation Station he calls a head of his when his band showed up. “Hey man, we’re outta money for whores and coke, think you could write up another song that we can cock up a little?” “Sure guys, just let me get my uni-burn in order here, and we’ll get down to business.” 

     Wow, what a gem Chris. I can’t even imagine how you came up with such thought provoking and deep lines of poetry. 

Ten miles from town

and I just broke down

Spittin’ out smoke on the side of the road

I’m out here alone

just tryin’ to get home

To tell you I was wrong

but you already know

     I’ll tell you what though, you at least understand enough about the English language to use actual rhyme schemes. Two of those lines ACTUALLY RHYME!! That’s much better than most. Furthermore, you’re capable of recognizing your Audience. “Hm, here’s a group of people who have mashed-potatoes for brains after watching the show I was on for 18 fucking weeks….better not try too hard with the metaphors. In fact? The more literal the better….” 

     It’s as though they were having a Douche Off. I gotta say folks, I’m gonna have to give this one to Adam Lambert. He’s WAY more douche-tastic than Chris Daughtry. 

   Either way, I’m still personally offended that we’re being strong-armed into listening to such garbage in elevators, bathrooms, malls and gas stations. I don’t CARE how much money you have, and that you’re paying more than I’m ever gonna make to get this flavor of bland on the airwaves, CUT IT THE FUCK OUT, YOU SOUL SUCKING CORPORATIONS. I WANT MY MUSIC BACK. 

*All lyrics herein contained are properties of their respective owners and are used here for illustrative purposes only.